An Autobiography

Short Autobioghraphy

My name is Aimark Palma Asor. I was born in a busy and crowded city of Manila on July 27, 1987. I am the middle child of Alicia Francisco Palma (a native of Cavite) and Jose Duran Asor (a native of Bicol). My older brother is Joemark Palma Asor; he is thirty-two years of age and has a two-year-old son, Benedict Joe, and married to Kathleen May Oliveros Asor. I share the same birthday with my brother. My youngest sister is named Maria Ainna Palma Asor. She is now thirteen-years-old and a first year high school student of Colegio de Santa Isabel, Manila.

I started schooling when I was six-years-old. My parents enrolled me at Colegio de San Juan de Letran in Intramuros Manila, a school run by the Dominican Friars. There I studied from preparatory to high school (1993-2004). My older brother also went to the same school. Graduating from my beloved Alma Mater, both elementary and high school, I was given a couple of awards and recognitions as a student. Then I entered the Augustinian seminary and went to a seminary-based school in college, which specializes in philosophy, the Saint Thomas of Villanova Institute of Philosophy (2004-2008). I just finished college last academic year 2007-2008. Now I am a novice of the Augustinian Order, Province of Sto. Niño de Cebu, Philippines. I am currently residing at the Augustinian Novitiate and Prayer House in Mohon, Talisay City, Cebu and hopefully I’ll stay here for one canonical year and be back in Manila for theological studies.


Experience of Him:

When I was asked by my dear college English professor to write a short autobiography and an experience marking the most significant presence of God in my life, I paused and sighed at the thought of having to share many, but also afraid of not having written even one from them.
My experience of God…it is an opening statement I wish to write about; however I have a problem on how to single out an instance among my myriad experiences of Him. And so I thought of narrating an incident in my life that happened almost two-years-ago.

I was on my second year as a college-student seminarian when I started to doubt about the sincerity of my call to the religious life and my response to it. During that time I totally was emotionally and rationally devastated. There was inner turmoil in my batch and many pointed at me as the predominant reason for all the conflicts. Externally, things were worse; internally I was exploring the idea of not being able to endure the challenges and finish the thing I have started. All I know then was that I have to come up with a solution and decide what to do soon.
After an emotional batch open forum one evening, then I finally made up my mind to leave the seminary. At that moment I was thinking of transferring to another Order and perchance pursuing what I might not be able to finish with the Augustinians. The following evening I spoke to my mom over the phone. I was then trying to convince her with my decision. She was apprehensive on it and told me to think about it a thousand times. But I was determined to leave and start life anew. It was just all what I had in mind, also to end the mental torture I was experiencing.

The following day, my life went in its usual manner. I was then preparing myself for the many changes I was about to initiate in my life. Afterwards I started thinking that it’s the time to begin another chapter in my book of life by ending the present one. Though resolute with my decision, sadness beset my entire being. A question began to emerge: Am I ready to leave the life I have chosen? I thought the answer would be yes, but I was wrong. The real answer was that I really did not know if I was.

That same day after lunch I was hanging around the receiving area of the seminary to make a phone call when a classmate told me that our Father Master wished to see me. I immediately went to his office to know what he desired from me. I knocked on his office door and he right away opened it and asked me to take a seat, and so I did. Then he told me that he wanted to tell me something and be ready for what I will be hearing a few moments from then. He inquired if I knew of any sickness of my biological father. I said he has diabetes, and that is all I know. Then he proceeded by telling me that a close friend of my mom, who also happens to be a good benefactor of the Order, called up informing him that my father has just passed away from this temporal life earlier that morning.

Right now, I still find it difficult to look back and try to put into words the feelings I had that moment. I was calm, upon hearing the news, yet, a part of my being was screaming at the news I just heard. My beloved biological father has just died.
I was a philosophy student and so rationality prevailed over me. I hid my feelings and acted shocked but appeared all right. Our Father Master instructed our Community driver to take me home and told me to update him about the happenings. In short, I was permitted to leave the seminary for a while and be with my family in one of the most crucial moments of our lives.
When I reached home, my younger sister, who was ten-years-old at that time, received me and started to blurt out her feelings at the loss of our father. I didn’t know what to do then. I was rational yet did not know what to do. I learned that moment that reason at times cannot contend with man’s emotion. I just told my sister to cease from crying and calm down. I was very calm but my inner self could not allow my external composure to break down. Afterwards my brother, also arrived and people in our house had expressed their grief, while I hardly controlled my emotion and let them see I was handling things differently.

I and my siblings went directly to the funeral parlor where my father’s remains would be prepared for the wake that night. Upon arriving at the parlor’s office, we saw our mom seated in a corner, gazing at the wilderness. Not saying a word, I and my siblings hugged her tightly and she screamed in tears. My father died unexpectedly. I even learned from her that they were not in good terms the night before Papa passed away. They had a misunderstanding that made my mom not pay heed of him the following morning before going out with some of her friends. Mom heard the news from my guardian. My guardian called up my mom that morning and told her my dad wanted to be brought to the clinic of our family physician; he was not feeling well she said. Then there was another call from her. That moment my guardian got intensely nervous and did not know how to tell my mom the news. The doctor got the phone from her and told my mom about the shocking incident that happened that day. It was an incident that changed our lives. Alicia Palma Asor is now a widow, with two sons and a daughter. As for my siblings and I, we were now fatherless.

Years before my father died, we began to experience financial bankruptcy. Our family businesses, three of them, got bankrupt almost simultaneously and closed, leaving us nothing but debts. My dad decided to engage himself in the real estate business. I greatly admired his industriousness and hardworking attitude; however, we were still suffering from debts. I was in high school then, and almost did not finish schooling due to the high tuition my parents had to pay for me and my sister because we were both in private schools. My brother then had no stable job. He graduated from an international aeronautics school, and could have been a promising pilot if only we did not go through that financial aridity. These were the things that happened before I entered the seminary. At the time I was about to enter, I was asking my parents if they would be permitting me; my mom said her yes right away, but for my dad, the answer did not come quickly as my mom’s. Nonetheless, mom convinced him to allow me and later on my dad was even proud of me as in my chosen life.

Things apparently were not going well when we lost our father. Little by little I started to ask…”Why God?,” and “Why us?”, “Why now when we are so down and almost have no one to turn to?” I was never answered that time. Patient was I to live and wait for the next things that will happen, yet I was flustered.

During the time my father’s casket was being brought inside the funeral parlor, I could not believe what I had been seeing. I could not believe that the dad or Papa I saw a month ago was the father I was then seeing enclosed in a wooden box, a being incapable of movement, a breathless being. Most people were crying as those carrying his casket passed by us. My mom was wailing and my siblings too. I managed to keep my tears from falling, and if they fell, I made sure no one saw it.

Many of my relatives admired me for that display of attitude and character and approached me saying, “You enlighten your mom about the situations that life does not end here, that there is still another; and that the goodbye with your father is his hello to the other life.” Wow…what a soothing piece of advice but it was not that easy. However, I tried explaining the same thing to my mom and little sister…that life does not end here…that the being we have inside the coffin is no longer my father but the temporal frame of the Jose “Joe” Asor we used to know. I was able to convince my sister and she ceased from shedding tears, but I was the one who started to shed tears inside.

Now almost two years has passed and I sometimes am afraid to recall and look back at that very particular moment of my life. I fret that I am not over it yet. But now I ask myself, “What is that pretension about?” “Why did I have to be pretentious of my real feelings then?” I believe that that was about letting my family realize that we must find meaning in grief, that the goodbyes in this world are not the end of everything. We could not be so physically certain of that for now but for sure in the future days to come we will be.

In a man’s journey in this plane of existence, it is inevitable for him not to encounter deep down moments and fascinating discoveries in life. To grow or mature is a tied-up consequence of one’s evidence of man’s exile on earth. Life is not easy. It is a risk from the moment an individual is conceived. However, the risk is consummated as one begins to breathe the air of this world and stride along its rough edges.

How do I connect the story I just shared with my particular experience of God? It is simple…it is in life that I am experiencing Him. Perhaps the reader of this piece of writing would find it uninteresting now that I revealed that my experience of God in my life was not as astonishing and maybe as deeply moving as others have it. It is in dullness and paleness that I experienced the Giver of life. It is in the silence of my lamenting heart that I felt the abiding infinite presence of my Maker. I could ask God, Why?, but I could never blame Him for what had happened. He must have something for us that we might not totally understand for now, but perchance in the future this Master plan will be clear to us. The ordinariness of my experience of Him made it extraordinary.

Now I understand that His presence in our lives could be felt through those people surrounding us. Before that was just a quixotic idea for me; nonetheless the world of that idea touched the mirror of reality I now face. I was asking where God was in that sorrowful mystery of our lives. Had He abandoned us? Is there really a God Who watches over us? He is with us, as Scripture says. But that I did not feel, I thought then. The death of my father was a turning point not just for me but also for my family. It was an experience that tested our love for one another, an experience that could have drawn me away from Him.

The experience of death or the loss of someone dear to a person can help him comprehend more that above the temporality of this life there exists a life without end and that we shall also be born there. I lost my biological father but that is because he has already been called by our Eternal Father, to whom we are brothers.

Some of us might have experienced God in their lives in a more unusual way than that of mine, but we must not forget that our real experience of Him happens every single moment of our lives. I wish to believe that in the lowest instance of our lives He is actually with us. His silence communicates in a very majestic language that transcends all linguistic categories of time and space. He journeys with us. He does not need to say a word to console us. He sees us and knows our innermost thoughts and feelings because He remains to be our Father forever; someone who will always be faithful to us whatever happens.

The question of where God is amidst the evil in the world is actually a question that seeks to point out my experience of Him through my discernment. It is a critical inquiry a person cannot but ask. However the search for the answer goes on and on, for the process it is called life. In many little ways I may have already asked the same question in various circumstances and I still will until the end of my pilgrimage.

God will always be the is that makes me have my being and the being of everyone else. My father had come to pass in this world and that made me share his experience. His death made him experience God. Through his death we, his family, also experienced God. We learned that one thing is certain; we shall all go back to Him.

The Search

God is the stimulus for the search for truth, for the existential search. “All men by nature desire to know.” Aristotle, an ancient Greek philosopher, has captured man’s thirst for knowledge by saying the quoted statement in one of his works. This clearly echoes man’s quest for satisfaction in life. It also speaks of the unquiet ness of his being, his restlessness. Man is in want of things to fulfill and satisfy him. This is an obvious reality as one lives on earth. All men desire to be happy in any way possible.

The text given us to be critiqued served as an eye opener for me. It expressed in written form some realizations I have had in the past concerning existence and its eventual path leading to the mystery of the Absolute.

I affirm what was stated on the text given us that a man, in his finitude, inevitably would have to have an experience in his life that would open his horizon towards his capacity for the infinite. There is/are or will be circumstance/s in one’s life where he can say that he has a close contact with the infinite, especially concerning man’s desires.

Every so often, this is expressed in his insatiable desires that tend to transcend his being limited to the abode of the infinite. Thus, there must be a certain point in our lives that our minds must have titillated to inquire where to find more to satisfy our wants.

The experience of life in love is one of the classical experiences one can relate in being in touch with the infinite. The idea and reality of love, put into action, opens up a person to a deeper reality that could make him glimpse of the infinity. On the other hand, losing a person you love could also make us see the reality of the infinite. These are some experiences where a person can ponder upon some basic questions in life regardless of his status as a living mortal individual on earth.

The infinite belongs to the One who made all things possible to be. He is no other than the God we believe in though some profess disbelief to his existence. Our solitary and communal moments help us journey on the way to God. In our wants and needs we show our earnest desire to seek the face of God. This is true as I observed humans. We try to compensate our existential longing for the divine by substituting it with material goods to pacify our tired being for awhile but not for good. The author of the text given us has successfully made this picture of the write-up clear by focusing on humans’ tendency to want for more and to go on searching for what can fully satisfy his/her being. By this religion comes into the scene.

Religion is the ambit where humans can freely discuss things regarding the divine and inquiries on Him. It re-links man to God. Through religion we go on searching to meet God Who is actually waiting for us.

What I like most in the material given us is the part what it highlights that God comes to meet us. What a beautiful imagery of the prodigal son and the father meeting- scene creeps in me as I contemplate on this. God knows that whatever happens, we shall not be satisfied here on earth. Due to this God longs to see us and waits to meet us from our wandering. We can solely be satisfied. in toto, in our return to the Father Who has sent His Son to search for us. It is only God Who can satiate and give rest to our tires being. Thus, to say that we are capable of being satisfied is true indeed. Nonetheless, noting that by ourselves it would be impossible to satisfy ourselves and need the help that comes from above.

The text given us is an excellent material, in its plain and simple English used, helps its readers understand that all men have the desire for the infinite (God) in various and different ways. As a community, we all are journeying together towards our Ultimate Goal in life. It has been clearly made that the desire for the infinite constitutes the heart of every man. All that man does speak about life and in his desires reverberate his inner longing for the God Whom we trust.

Mary, Our Mother

A beautiful scene will be presented to us in tomorrow’s gospel from Luke. It is a picture of two expectant mothers who are having unexpected pregnancies; one conceiving a child to be born of man and woman and the other has conceived through the holy Ghost, to be born of a woman. One carries the herald and the other the Host and Guest of the world.
Generally, the Gospel of Luke tells us how God’s promises were fulfilled with the birth of Jesus from beginning to end.
Tomorrow, two women, aged and young are brought together conversing and sharing with each other on how God has worked marvels for them, and for us.
Let me focus this Gospel meditation by highlighting 2 things: relationship and humility as we relate them the Feast of Mary’s Assumption.

Relationship
Sushmita Sen, Miss Universe 1994, before winning the title, was asked, “What is the essence of being a woman? Her famous answer was: "Just being a woman is God's gift. The origin of a child is a mother, a woman. She shows a man what sharing, caring, and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman." Simple answer yet it rocked the world. Her answer’s veracity is exemplified by Mary and Elizabeth.
We commonly know Mary and Elizabeth’s encounter as the “Visitation.” Only in the gospel of Luke shall we find the story of the Visitation. Biblical scholars say that Luke’s intent in here is literary and theological. Visitation is about the meeting of two mothers-to-be, both praising God due to His apparent works in their lives.
Probably it has been quite a while since Mary visited her elderly relative but because of God’s angel, Gabriel, telling her that Elizabeth in her old age has conceived a child made Mary see her and share with her joy. On the one hand, Mary herself is most blessed among women to keep the Child who created and preserved her purity inside her womb.
The act of Mary visiting her relative shows us how God brings people together. Because of His gifts to these two women, they met and shared each other’s joy. A barren woman conceives the herald, a virgin the Judge.
When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child in her womb leaped for joy. This reminds us of the leaping of Esau and Jacob in Rebekah’s womb. The leaping of John tells us that he recognizes his Lord and God approaching him. And through the holy Spirit Elizabeth mysteriously knew why John leapt. John’s act is a salute to the Savior and reason for his existence. The leaping is an acknowledgement of his future relationship with the Savior. Now we see the relationships between two mothers-to-be and their sons though still in their wombs. All of them will be working towards one Goal, the salvific action of God to save humanity from the precipice of its sinful state. Yet Jesus does the greatest offering a man could ever give his Father, a genuine sacrificial act worship.

Humility liked to the Assumption
The second part of the gospel is obviously about the common canticle we always recite/chant during Vespers, the Magnificat. Magnificat is Mary’s response to Elizabeth’s question: “And how does this happen to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?” It was actually Elizabeth’s comment to Mary’s greeting of peace that discloses the reason for her arrival.
At this point of my sharing I wish to focus on the implicit message of Mary’s visitation. The very act of Mary implicitly communicates a message quite comprehensible to all but unfathomable at the same time. Comprehensible because we understand that a woman might want to see her barren relative conceiving a child and share with the joy she feels. However, what makes it unfathomable is the fact that the Mother of God is visiting a relative and remaining with her company for three months, perhaps to help her. Yet this same woman managed to keep herself from being proud of the fact that she is carrying with her the Son of the Most High.
Mary is such a humble handmaid of God. She indeed is a model of humility. Perchance this virtue she possesses in a magnificent way is the reason why the angel addressed her saying, “Highly Favored One,” “Full of Grace,” “Kecharitomene.” It is a name given to one who has been “thoroughly graced.” This same woman was chosen by the Most High even before she was fashioned to be the first ark of the everlasting Covenant of his Son on earth.
Aha! Now we have an idea about the kind of people that arouses God, that seduces God. He is pleased with the humble, and stern with the proud. Mary beautifully expressed this in her song of praise. As Augustine puts it: “Every valley shall be filled in all humility shall be exalted; and every mountain and hill shall be humbled, all pride shall be cast down.” The Magnificat centers on this.
The humble servant might have realized that to become God’s creature is to become “poor,” to have nothing which one might brag about before his Creator. Out of her great humility she clung to her faith and said her Fiat. In this sense, the Mother was the first to benefit from the merits of the Son. Her purity was preserved from her mother’s womb for she is to carry the God-Man for God to be incorporated into humanity. For him to be given a human nature she needed the humble “yes” of a woman. Thus, the dogma of Immaculate Conception is affirmed here. “Humility finds a place in the Virgin’s Fiat. And since Mary is “Kecharitomene,” we believe that she assumed into heaven.

Now how do we relate relationship with humility in our daily life as professed friars? This question can be easily answered. But putting it into practice in our daily encounters with our brothers will not always be that easy. Sometimes we are challenged. Though things remain tougher, we have a model and a Mother to guide us, she is the same Mother given to us at the foot of the Cross that even made our relationship with God intimate.

Pray!

"When a person starts not to pray, he/she starts to be lost and gradually depart from God and be the "god" of himself..."

I deem this to be true. I formulated this statement in one of our classes in Psychology of Religious Life. We were discussing about prayer then. My professor began to name Saints who in their lives experienced spiritual dryness or even darkness of the soul, as St. John of the Cross puts it.

I for myself have already experienced the sudden decrease of one's enthusiasm to speak with God and tell him one's concerns. Talking to God, while bringing to Him all my hearts desires in thanksgiving and praise, for me is a great example of prayer. It is through praying that I can get in touch with the Divine. It is by this that I get to see His plan and conform myself with that of His. Prayer makes me more accomplish the original form according to His design.

Nonetheless, there are moments in my life that instead of seeking the face of God, what I seek is the face of the world He has created that has been gradually populated by creature whose wills have turned against Him. In cases like this, we, people, get destructed and alienated among our own selves. We become farther and farther from Him. We do this by means of our freedom.

Man's freedom is so powerful that it can even drag him to hell. The same freedom is God gift to him by the One who created him. Freedom is a precious gift from on high that even God chooses not to encroach over it. If this awful event in man's life continues, he willfully separates himself with God.

The separation of man from God implies himself to be the judge of his actions and absolute mastery of one's self without any consideration of a Being much majestic than him. Thus, man creates his own god, who is no other than himself. Also because of this, man will not anymore believe in communicating to a God he does not physically see or feel. In this sense, man himself drifts away from the Source of his own existence, who is also the Author of all that is.

This is a sad reality we need to face as men and women of today. The golden calf of the Old Testament, during Moses' time, is continually being fashioned by us in so many instances and places. We need to fight this and be vigilant enough against the attack of the evil forces. With God's loving mercy, may we be able to believe and carry out Christ's mission on earth, to lead each one to the Father under the guidance of the Spirit of life and of love. May God receive us towards the end of earthly life with smile and welcoming words, "Come and share your Master's joy."

Obedience

In July 1976, Israeli commandos made a daring raid at an airport in Entebbe, Uganda, in which 103 Jewish hostages were freed. In less than fifteen minutes, the soldiers had killed all seven of the kidnappers and set the captives free.
As successful as the rescue was, however, three of the hostages were killed during the raid. As the commandos entered the terminal, they shouted in Hebrew, "Get down! Crawl!" The Jewish hostages understood and lay down on the floor, while the guerrillas, who did not speak Hebrew, were left standing. Quickly the rescuers shot the upright kidnappers.
But two of the hostages hesitated - perhaps to see what was happening - and were also cut down. One young man was lying down and actually stood up when the commandos entered the airport. He, too, was shot with the bullets meant for the enemy. Had these three heeded the soldiers' command they would have been freed with the rest of the captives.
Morale of the story: Salvation is open to all, but we must heed and respect Christ's command to repent and make him Lord. Otherwise, we will perish with the judgment meant for the Enemy. (www.nathan.co.za)

The numbers from the Rule read tonight focus on obedience and respect. On the part of the subjects, brothers in the community are bound to obey their superiors. However, on the part of superiors leading their subjects, they ought to be “Christian” in exercising the power given them.
Obedience entails respect. In the story, had the two hostages not hesitated and respected and obeyed what the commandos told them to do, they could have been set freed. For us vowed persons what is demanded, first of all, is respect in relating with our superiors and fellow brothers. As we respect one another, obeying will not be a hard thing to do. It is something that will flow so easily because of love and out of love.
St. Augustine in the Rule encourages us to see our superiors “as our fathers with respect due them so as not to offend God” (Rule VII, 44). Respect deserves a special mentioning here as our holy father thought so too. It is clear that in his mind respecting our superiors would mean respecting God who work in them. We believe that through them God directs us. Through them God speaks to us and is with us at least physically by their gestures and manner of dealing with us. This is what they must keep in mind. Thus, respect is to be given and obedience will not be impossible.
In obedience we turn to our ultimate Model, Christ. Soretiology will tell us that Jesus saved humanity not just simply because of His death on the cross, but because of his loving obedience to the Father’s will. His will to offer the greatest act of sacrificial worship to the Father redeemed the sinful humanity. The Christ submitted His whole Self and withhold nothing for Himself when He entrusted everything up to the Father, in humble submission of His divine and human will to undergo such process to His glorification. This is the obedience demanded from us, that we submit ourselves to God. And in the religious life, obeying our superiors is such a good way to start. By it we submit ourselves to God. In turn they too have the responsibility to be Christ-like. This is what is expected of them.
Religious life finds a special place for this two intertwining values, respect and obedience in Love. Among fellow brothers too, these two are essential to live in a pleasant and harmonious community. This we pray for always so that our community may be of one mind and heart towards God.

Kagabi naka-chat ko clasmate ko dati nung high school, si James. Huli kaming nagkita noong graduation day, kung hini ako nagkakamali. Tagal na rin pala. Kwentuhan at tanungan tungkol sa mga dating schoolmates nagging tema ng chat naming. Sa kalagitnaan ng usapan, nasabi ko sa kanyang, “Masaya ako to know you are happy with your chosen career.” Napansin ko kasing marami na sa mga kaibagan at dati kong kaklase ang enjoy na sa kani-kanilang fields ngayon. Gusto kasi nila ginagawa nila. Pero sabi ni James sa akin, “Eh, hindi naman talaga ito ang gusto kong career eh.” Nagulat ako. Tanong ko tuloy sa kanya, “Ano pala gusto mong career?” “Pag-aartista”, sagot niya. Napabunghalit ako ng tawa sa sinabi niya. Si james talaga, napaka-joker pa rin. Ngunit may napansin ako sa kanya na kahit wala siya sa original chosen career niya ay masaya siya. Kahit na sa chat lang, narandaman kong may galak sa puso niya sa ginagawa niya sa buhay. Isa ito sa mga mahahalagang bagay na nagbibigay saysay sa buhay natin. “Saya.” And bawat isa sa atin ay may kaniya-kaniyang nais sa buhay. Ibat-ibang tawag mayroon sa buhay. May ang tawag ay maging doctor, abogado, teacher, call center agent, sales representative, I.T. expert, magsasaka, tindero, chemist, estufyante, businessman at kung anu-ano pa. ngunit lahat ng sila, tayo ay may iisang tawag kung saan ang lahat ay inaasahang tumugon. Ito ang tawag sa “pagsuod.” Tayong lahat ay tinatawag para maging taga-sunod ni Kristo. Si Pedro, Santiago, Juan at iba pang apostoles ni Kristo ay tinawag upang maghatid ng iba pa sa Kaharian ng Diyos. Hindi kailangang iwan ni Dr. Ragos ang kanyang pagiging dokto upang tumugon sa tawag na ito ni Kristo. Sa halip ay maaari pa nga niyang gamitin ang kanyang profession sa pag-tugon sa tawag. Pero may ilan naman na piniling maging-fulltime sa pag-tugon tulad na lamang ng mga pari at madre. Sa dulo ang mahalaga ay masaya ka sa kung ano man ang piliin mong buhay. Huwag din nating kalimutan ang tawag ni Kristong maging tagasunod niya sa kahit na paanong paraan. Ako kaya, gaano kaya ako kasaya sa uri ng buhay na mayroon ako ngyon? Sapat na kaya ang pag-tugon sa tawag Niya? Nakakpaghatid kaya ako ng kapwa ko patungo sa Kanya?